I watched the movie Angels and Demons last week. Funny thing is, I wasn’t interested in the movie or storyline at all. It was just something to watch while my 21 year old son and I were waiting for the rest of the family to get home (we’d been separated from each other for the last week – my husband and other six children in one state, with my son and I at home).
Early on in this movie, an exchange between Ewan McGregor and Tom Hanks caught my attention. So much so, I scanned back and watched it again. And again. Then I knew I had to transcribe the conversation, which I did, below:
Camberlengo McKenna (Ewan McGregor):
“Do you believe in God, sir?”
.
.Dr. Langdon (Tom Hanks):
“Father, I simply believe that religion…”
“I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believe in God.”
“I’m an academic. My mind tells me I will never understand God.”
“And your heart?”
“Tells me I’m not meant to. Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive.”
This scene was significant for me. As I’ve traversed the continuum of faith in my life, I’ve found:
- I trust tangibles
- I distrust man
- I have hope
I’m an intellectual woman with baggage. I could have easily swung from fundamentalist, conservative Christian to angry, hostile atheist. My inquiries have led me to plenty of logical conclusions, dissenting views and strong emotions on the former that fit well with the latter. But I’m not an atheist. I wrote about this before – how I feel like a homeless heretic. I don’t fit in – at least not in the social structures that surround me. Neither religion nor atheism can claim me, nor can I find comfort in either. All I can do is live honestly. Since making a commitment to myself to live authentically, to be “true to myself” (not driven by fear of rejection or abandonment in compulsively doing what others want, expect or demand of me), I have found profound peace in the sincerity of my life. My core values are love and truth, and that’s enough for me.
In the scene from Angels and Demons I transcribed here, Tom Hanks’ character speaks his words from a similar place. Honest and sincere, grounded in truth and love. I identify with what he says. The last line – about faith being “a gift I have yet to receive” – I couldn’t have said better. I look at my oldest child, whose faith profoundly inspires me – a faith that drives every aspect of her life and formed her into the most amazing, loving, wise, mature, responsible, caring, sensitive, smart, grounded woman I’ve ever known. How could the offspring of such a damaged soul like myself be so incredible? Her faith. A faith that is undoubtedly a gift. The best gift I never gave. And the greatest gift I would give if I could to all of my children.
But I give them what I can. Truth and love from a mother who doesn’t have it all figured out.
