I’ve recently realized I am a homeless heretic. I don’t fit in. More specifically, as the dictionary defines me, I am “a professed believer who maintains religious opinions contrary to those accepted by [my] church [and] rejects doctrines prescribed by that church.” A heretic is also “anyone who does not conform to an established attitude, doctrine, or principle.” Unfortunately for those people in my life who are deeply rooted in and committed to the religious opinions, attitudes, doctrines and principles which I question or reject, I am not just a heretic, but an outsider. It’s inherent to their worldview.
Christianity is interesting that way. The mantra “hate the
sin; love the sinner” sounds good when you’re the one doing the hating and the loving. But when you’re the sinner (in my case, a sinner who questions much of the doctrine she once embraced that saved her from sin), it feels like a dividing line. If your identity is based upon what you do…and what you do is sin, then the concept of others hating your sin but loving you is chock-full of conflict. As blogger Austin Cline put it: “any time people zealously pursue one idea against another, they run the risk of dropping the distinction between ideas and the people who hold them.”
Since becoming a heretic, when I hear people say they hate the sin but love the sinner, I am keenly aware of the unspoken reality that I fall into the sinner category as a heretic. I have become the one needing to be converted (or re-converted, depending upon whether or not you believe I ever was a *true* believer). If Christians are on God’s team, and being a Christian means embracing everything you are told to embrace, then whose team are you on if you become a heretic?
This is the dilemma I faced recently. In the last several days, three of the people closest to me each engaged in separate, one-on-one conversations with me about Christianity, bringing to light a growing divergence between our positions. It started with my dad late last week when he asked me how my spiritual life was. I responded with one word: “Curious.” Though caught off guard by his question, my response was a thoughtful and well-considered one. Having recently listened to Seth Godin’s audio book Tribes, my mind quickly referred back to a section in his book about curious people – a passage that spoke to me when I heard it, specifically addressing the metamorphosis I have experienced in recent years. Seth said:
A fundamentalist is a person who considers whether a fact is acceptable to his religion before he explores it, as opposed to a curious person who explores first and then considers whether or not he wants to accept the ramifications. A curious person embraces the tension between his religion and something new, wrestles with it and through it, and then decides whether to embrace the new idea or reject it. Curious is the key word…it has to do with the desire to understand…It’s easy to underestimate how difficult it is for someone to become curious…Once recognized, the quiet, yet persistent voice of curiosity doesn’t go away…ever. And perhaps, it’s such curiosity that will lead us to distinguish our own greatness from the mediocrity that stares us in the face. What we’re seeing is that fundamentalism really has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with your outlook, regardless of what your religion is.
I was a fundamentalist (religiously) for many years. Now I am curious (spiritually). Being curious led me down the path that Seth Godin describes. Being curious made me a heretic. This last weekend I actually wished I could go back to the safe (but intellectually dishonest) framework of a fundamentalist. It seems life would be so much easier. I don’t want to be a heretic. It’s a lonely place. At the same time, I have no choice. There’s no going back once you start questioning. Though many would argue I chose it, I can see now that it was only a matter of time before my curiosity overcame my fundamentalism. I am a curious person, and I would never have lasted long-term conforming without questioning. So now, I question.
I have questions that remain unanswered and doctrine I reject. So I can’t say what most in my life want to hear…or at least not do so and be honest. Instead, I must confess, I am a heretic. A heretic who believes in God, loves God and feels God’s love right back. Beyond that, I remain curious. And I’m ok with that. The question is, can everyone else live with that?
Photo credit: *jude*
