Regrets. We all have them. Some lead to lessons learned. Some become catalysts for change. And some deteriorate from tumors of guilt into full blown cancer of the heart. In this way, I’ve been terminally ill for the better part of two decades.
When I was a young woman, I made a decision that I have regretted every second since the moment I made it. I betrayed someone I love. No…betrayal is too soft a word. I annihilated the trust of my closest friend.
From childhood through adulthood, those she trusted most let her down at every turn. Fully aware of her life experiences, I was determined to be a faithful friend to her, committed to loving her unconditionally all the days of my life. While my love for her never fluctuated from unconditional, my friendship fell far from my original intention. Like all those who came before me, I failed to uphold the trust and confidence she deserved and needed. Anguish has consumed me ever since.
I learned a lesson, and I changed. I sought forgiveness, and I repented. But the shadow of shame remained. Disobeying authority is one thing. Betraying a person who trusts you more than anyone in the world? That is the ultimate sin. And I committed it. No amount of “I learned my lesson” or “I am so sorry” could make up for the damage I had done.
This friend and I have been estranged for years. I’ve cried countless tears into my pillow, longing for her friendship. But my tears could never compare to the pain I caused in her life. I deserved the result of my choices; she didn’t.
A few weeks ago I received a message on Facebook from this friend. She asked for my email address. I was scared to death to read what she would write in that email. She had never released her anger towards me. She just ended our friendship. I knew that it was my time to receive the well-deserved lashing she had built up for me over the years. Prepared for my punishment, I sent her a message back giving her my email address. Moments later, the email came through. The subject line read: “I forgive you.” I……..forgive…….you.
Typing those words now, weeks after receiving that email, overwhelms me with emotion. I have done many things in my life of which I’m not proud. But I have never regretted anything more in my life than betraying this friend. She had every right to hate me forever. But she forgave me.
Today we had our first phone conversation since she emailed me. We talked for hours. When she had to go, she called me back later when she could talk again. We just picked up where we left off. We spoke as the best friends we were prior to the destruction of the friendship. We related so well; we connected; we understood each other; we were both full of love and affection.
My girl gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. She gave me grace. When we least deserve it is when we most appreciate it. No words can adequately describe the anguish and regret I carried for so many years. And no words can convey the gratitude, healing and love that rained over me the day my best friend forgave me. It takes an amazing person to forgive the unforgivable. And when they do, they bestow the greatest gift the guilty could ever hope to receive.
My friend has given me what I least deserved and what I most craved. She is a gift of hope, healing and inspiration – not only for me, but for all who hear this story.
Photo credits:
wpeters9
brookejayne_x
